Alcohol —
Popular culture glamorizes it; yet you often destroy lives.
You deceive people with your charm, yet frequently leavea trail of destruction.
We invite you to every event, holiday, celebration, gathering, festival, vacations, and just about every life event.
It took me a long time to figure out if I should love you or hate you. The thought of living completely without you seemed impossible (and on occasion still does). But the thought of keeping you in my life seemed pointless. You consumed more time in my life than you deserved, yet I could never seem to let you go.
How would I go to social events? Who would I be? The only Katie people knew was the Katie who had you running through her veins. You’ve been my source of courage since as long as I can remember. Actually, I still remember that rush of confidence and my insecurities slip away when I took my very first drink at the age of 14. Even though that drink made me physically ill, it gave me that confidence I had longed for my entire life. And on that very night, my codependent love/hate relationship with booze began.
How would I emotionally connect with anyone?
What will people thihnk? Will they see me as a bad Mom who has no self-control?
After slowly killing myself for 20+ years and experiencing an enormous amount of chaos, grief, pain, and conflict, I finally took the leap off the giant cliff of self-abuse and into the sea of sobriety and new beginnings.
But, why now? Why was getting a DUI at the age of 26 not enough to realize that my relationship with alcohol was anything but healthy? Why was nearly being struck by a freight train at 1:00am while driving completely blacked out not enough? I think deep down, I knew long before those moments (and SO many more) but was afraid to admit it. I think I got to a point – over and over again – where my insanity became my normal and I was okay with accepting it. Alcohol convinced me of so many lies. That was just one of them. My life was out of control, but I somehow managed to function okay. I was unhappy at my job (and eventually started drinking while at work just to make it through) and stressed and unhappy at home.
We moved to the Indy area in 2019. “A new area, a fresh start, a place to create new memories,” I thought. Unfortunately, I brought my baggage – and booze – with us. I was no longer working, my husband was traveling frequently for work, my kids were in school, so me and my “friend” (a.k.a. wine) who had always been there to lie to me by making me think it would all – eventually – be better. But “eventually” never came.
I guess I finally got to that point again when I woke up one morning after a night of binge drinking that as long as I kept alcohol in my life, eventually would never come. That’s when I knew that getting sober was no longer an option if I wanted to not just exist, but really LIVE. Fuck the gray area. I went back and forth so much while drinking trying to decide if I was in fact an alcoholic. Well, I could call it what I wanted to, but the reality was right in front of me, and it doesn’t matter what I was. I had to get real with myself and the conclusion is a no-brainer.
You might be a lush, booze queene, wino, or the “a word” if
- You buy alcohol at different stores, gas stations, wineries, etc. so you don’t become a regular and risk being judged.
- You’re hiding drinks so your kids dont see you drinking.
- You’re cracking the bottle open right when you get home from work – or even worse – on your way home.
- You’re throwing a few back before a work conference call so you have the courage to speak up and confidently share your opinion.
- You make sure to always have gum or TicTacs in your car.
- You literally can’t go to any social event without drinking.
- You find yourself feeling proud if you go one night without drinking or that you can definitley control it if you go two.
- You find yourself compulsively thinking about when/what you’ll be drinking.
- You often regret drinking and feel weak for not being able to “just quit” or “moderate”.
- You feel like your life would be so much more if only you weren’t so weak.
- You fall asleep behind the wheel while waiting in the Taco Bell drive thru.
- You fall asleep behind the wheel, but this time while driving. Only to wake up with your car in a field straddling train tracks. A few minutes later, you watch in disbelief as a train demolishes your car. Only by the grace of God were you not in it.
- You miss your son’s baseball game because you overindulged the night before.
- You constantly worry about your health (and even dying) as a result of drinking, but still don’t quit.
- You often make plans to “just drink on certain days” or “only at social events” or “only so many drinks”, but it never seems to work.
- You watch Intervention to convince yourself that you’re not “that bad”.
- You watch Intervention and can completely relate.
- You find yourself getting angry when you see alcohol being sold literally everywhere: the zoo, mommy and me goat yoga, Skateland, the movie theatre but find yourself anxious and disapointed when you go somewhere where it’s NOT sold.
- You tell yourself “This is going to be my last day of drinking” but it never is.
- You worry about getting rid of empty wine bottles placed in random places in your house.
- Your child smells the liquid in a cup before she takes a drink.
- You drink because you feel: overwhelmed, lonely, bored, unmotivated, controlled, guilty, ashamed, to calm your anxiety, to have connection
- Because it’s Saturday, Sunday, Monday….or fuck it…any day of the week.
- Because it’s nice outside.
- Because it’s shitty outside.
- To feel satisfied.
- To be quiet.
- To be loud.
- To forget about how you feel.
- To forget about how you look.
- To fit in.
- To be liked.
- To not care if you’re liked.
- To celebrate.
- To mourn.
- To argue.
- To make peace.
- Because wine tastes SO good.
- Because wine is “good for you”.
- To face the world.
- To hide from the world.
- To hide from myself.
I got to a point where I had a million reasons to keep drinking, but even more reasons to stop.
My recovery journey has been full of ups and downs and even moments of relapses. My last drink was on March 10 — nearly six months ago. There was no earth shattering event that occurred as a result of that night of drinking too much. I just woke up the next morning and decided – yes, again – that I had to stop if I wanted to live.
The last six months have been beautiful, but like my life — full of imperfect chaos.
Things I’m loving in sobriety:
- Waking up feeling okay.
- Not getting so easily frustrated with everything.
- Remembering EVERYTHING (conversations from the night before, where I put things, what I purcahsed on Amazon).
- Not obsessively thinking and planning when/where/what I’ll be drinking later.
- Not driving around worrying about where I should buy wine.
- Being fully present.
- Being authentic (although that continues to be work in progress).
- Meeting my basic needs.
- Not avoiding people.
- Not making excuses.
- Not treating the three most precious people in my life like an inconvenience.
- Actually connecting.
- Feeling like I’m worthy of connecting.
- Not allowing alcohol to keep me a prisoner in my life.
- Being more dependable
Even though I have allowed alcohol to steal so many moments in my life, I also have to remember that it took me places that have taught me humility, compassion, grace, and strength. It has led me through dark valleys so that I can help pull others out when they may fall into them.
I wish I could say there’s an ending to my story, but recovery has no ending. It’s a never-ending journey. I took the elevator down and now I’m taking the stairs back up. It’s definitely not easy, but if it were easy — everyone would do it.
Imperfect Chaos 